I Love My Thirties!

The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits. -Hervey Allen

Next week I will be 35! Time really does go faster as you age. In many ways I feel like I am 20 still, but luckily I am NOT!

Don’t get me wrong I had a good time in my teens and twenties but I prefer my 30s!

I finally have good confidence! In my teens and twenties I would second guess myself.  If you look back at my first job performance reviews, there is common theme, the need to show more confidence! I would often sit in meetings without contributing to the conversation for fear that my ideas may not be well received.

Now I know better! I am a bright woman who is an asset to any meeting and has lots to contribute! I walk with me head held high and my shoulders back.

I have to come to terms with my body and appearance and have learned to appreciate it. I’ve always been my hardest critic when it came to my body image. I have let that go! I appreciate what attributes I have and I don’t care anymore about my imperfections, because those make me beautiful too!

I found a career. The first half of my twenties was spent working and going to school. The second half was spent looking for a career and a good fit. Now that I have a career that I love and excel at a major piece of my life puzzle has been put in place.

My relationships are deep and meaningful. As I have gotten older I’ve weeded out relationships that bring drama and “steal energy,” therefore my life is more enriched.

I’ve stopped trying to “Save” everyone. I have wasted so much time and energy trying to help those who won’t help themselves.  My failed marriage taught me some major lessons and this one being the biggest.

I will make mistakes, and that is O.K. Mistakes are a hard pill to swallow for someone who is somewhat of a perfectionist. But if my 30’s have taught me anything is that mistakes will happen and you need to make them to learn.

Finally, I have I have learned enough to know that I know nothing! That’s why I will look forward to my 40s, 50s 60s and so one because I will never stop learning.

And with that I leave you with another 30’s quote

To my eye, women get sexier around 35. They know a thing or two, and knowledge is always alluring. -Pierce Brosnan

Road to Motherhood

When you’re told at 18 years old that you may never be able to conceive, you are not sure what to think.  

I still remember that day well. I had just recovered from surgery that confirmed I had extreme Endometriosis. One of the most extreme cases the physician had seen for my age. I was still in the anesthesia fog when Dr. Stalter spoke with me and my parents about what he had found. Stage 4 endo throughout my uterus, ovaries, bladder and colon. He had lasered much of it off during the procedure but it was just a matter of time before it all grew back again. “You may never be able to conceive”

I was in my freshman year of college and although I knew I wanted kids one day, it seemed so far off that I really didn’t worry about infertility then.

Well the years went by and I fought viciously with Endo. Sometime the disease would knock me down for days. I went through more surgeries and even medical induced menopause to try to stop the endo but it kept growing back.

As soon as I was engaged to my now ex husband, we decided we better start trying to conceive. We knew what we were up against so we wasted no time.  That was early 2005. In March 2006 I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it! We had conceived naturally! I was over the moon.

12 weeks into my pregnancy I miscarried. My obgyn assured me that nothing was wrong but that it was natural. She encouraged me to immediately try again.  Well a year later when we hadn’t conceived again we sought out answers. Not that I really needed any, I mean three different doctors had told me that I would have trouble conceiving.

After many tests on me and my partner and more laparoscopy surgery, we conceived naturally. It took over three years from when we initially started, and those where some of the hardest years I have ever endured.

Hunter John Hartwell was born on October 14, 2008. All of the heartache was erased as soon as I held him in my arms. He is a miracle in my eyes. He is my greatest gift. I thank God everyday that I was blessed enough to have an amazing little boy.

Motherhood is something I never take for granted. I won’t lie that some days I am exhausted and the little booger can drive me crazy, but I would rather be tired and crazy then without him.

With Mother’s day around the corner I can’t help but think about all the woman out there who want to be a mommy so bad and for whatever reason can’t. Life seems so unfair sometimes.  What is so easy for some is also so hard for others.

Being a single mommy to a four year old means I won’t get breakfast in bed or fancy jewelry instead I will spend the day playing with my little man and appreciating the fact that I AM A MOMMY!